Stories of Alagaesia
by Articwolfstudios
Summary: A collection of weird tales from that wonderful world we know simply as Alagaesia, but with an ArticWolf touch!
1. Arya's Bad Day

Stories of Alagaesia

**Hi everybody, this is my first ever fanfiction and as you can see from my font that I am overcompensating for how poorly written they are!**

**But seriously, these short stories are based off the bestseller The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini. Which is why I put it in this particular folder. Anyway to state more obvious thi-**

**Arya: "-Hey! Stop stating the obvious, if I don't get screen time soon then I'll smash Eragon around your face!"**

**Eragon: "Hey! Don't we dragon riders get any respect nowadays?"**

**Saphira: "Shut up Eragon!"**

**Oromis: "Yeah you good for nothing cripple!"**

**Eragon: O_o**

**Brom: _walks in with some popcorn and starts munching_**

**Arya: _lifts Eragon off the floor and hits everyone with his feet._**

**Everyone: "Ow!"**

**Arya: _points at Articwolf _"Do it..."**

**Articwolf: "OK, ok, it was only four lines, why do you have to be so aggressive?"**

**Arya: "Finally!"**

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**Chapter 1**

**Arya's Bad Day...**

The Elfen Princess awoke to the sounds of birds chirping in the air, the smell of fresh cut grass was strong in her nose and she could feel the pleasantly cool heat as the morning sun arose from the horizon. As she stretched she felt utterly energised, she had slept incredibly comfortably and had not been bothered much by her waking dreams. She felt obliged to herself to stay in that blissful moment for a few more minutes-after all, she deserved a little break, after all the strains of the past few weeks, she could let all the stress leave her...

**CRASH!**

She gripped her pillows so tightly that they ripped at the seams, leaving her in a fluffy mess, coughing up swan feathers. Her eyes burst open and she twisted her head to find the source. She saw a shadow in the connecting part of the tent flutter past; Arya jumped up and ran to the door flap to see a fat fanboy with a pair of her underwear in his hand, lying collapsed over a fallen chest of drawers. His small beady eyes looked at her in fear as his permanently opened mouth rapidly took in small amounts of air.

"**GET OUT!**" Yelled the disgusted elf, as the greasy, pimply faced lout fell head over heels to get away from the rampaging lady in a night gown, he snorted once or twice as he escaped the small crowd that had gathered, still clutching his prize in his right hand.

Arya's eye started twitching as she saw him run into the distance, stopping every few yards to gulp from his inhaler.

"Might as well get up, now that he's ruined my morning, there's a war meeting in an hour or so anyway." She muttered to no one in particular, "Besides I might as well find out where that punk lives so I can torch his tent down later."

That brightened her mood considerably as she walked towards Nasuada's command tent, she quickly turned around as she realised that she was still wearing her night clothes and hoping that no one had seen her. However, the crowd from before spotted her, and started shouting certain obscenities that cannot and will not be mentioned in a fanfiction under the rating of M.

_Curses, if I get out of this with my dignity any higher than Eragon's after his last drunken adventure with Orik, then I am going to kill Articwolfstudios for this..._

**Well then I better make certain you don't get out with your dignity that high!**

_No wait please!_

Suddenly two dogs ran into her dresser and started making love on top of all her clothes.

_You monster!_

**I knows. . .**

So Arya ran as fast as her amazing elf super speed abilities could carry her over to Nasuada's living tent she started rummaging through her clothes until she could find a -not too feminine- dress, then ran back to the command tent to forgo any other embarrassments.

Nasuada was surprised to see Arya an hour early for the first meeting of the day, and more surprisingly she hadn't done any of the _typical_ _Arya_ code of dress conduct. That being; manicure, pedicure, eye brow combing, comb the hair, brush the hair, plait the hair, smooth the dress, brush the teeth for twenty minutes, floss the teeth, de-dust, undress again, wash, dress once more, redo all above and carry yourself with royal dignity.

No she seemed flustered and out of breath, and she was wearing Nasuada's clothes!

"So, uh... had a strange morning?"

"Me? No! Why would you say that? Is it my clothes? No wait don't look at my clothes!" The elf sped through the sentence as Nasuada slowly looked down at her own clothes.

"Arya... you should really change those clothes." Nasuada spoke in a sombre voice that hinted at dread, her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated.

Arya slowly took a deep breath to calm herself down. "Ok, I can explain. I woke up this morning feeling fine and energised, but I heard this crash and went to investigate. A weird fanboy was rummaging through my underwear drawer, I chased him out of my tent but forgot I was still wearing my night gown. But I accidentally threatened Articwolfstudios and so I turned back to find two dogs humping on all my clothes, a small crowd gathered around and started saying some very inappropriate things." She took a few breaths, "So I ran to your tent and took a dress-I hoped you wouldn't mind, and I ran in here and now you're angry with me..."

Nasuada at first looked astonished at the tale Arya had wrought but slowly her mouth closed and she whispered, "No Arya, you need to take those clothes off because, the pile you took that dress from was the used pile from 'Murtagh wet night'..."

* * *

**Arya: I SHALL MURDER YOU AND YOUR BRETHREN!**

**Articwolf: Thanks everyone for reading this, don't forget to review, favourite and read the next instalment of 'Stories of Alagaesia'!**

**Arya: SILENCE PEASANT, I SHALL MAKE YOU ROAST FOR AN ETERNITY IN A VOLCANO, I'LL-**

**Brom: Shh, you know it was funny.**

**Saphira: But only for the rest of us!**


	2. Eragon Reads His Cage Fight

**Ok, after having to inform the police of assault in my house, suffering a concussion and recovering from it I stayed in hospital for two weeks and then I had to have a personal helper for the next two weeks as I was virtually housebound, just yesterday I finally won the court case and had Arya sent to jail under assault. This is why I haven't made any chapters for a while, but today I stumbled across something on Suvudu(DOT COM), Suvudu were hosting a little fiction game. They got fairly famous fiction characters and setting them in one of their worlds had them battling out to see who was best. And Eragon was not too pleased with the result of his, let's check out what happened:**

**

* * *

**

**Eragon Reads His Cage Fight**

Saphira was returning from hunting some plump looking Varden soldiers in cans that day, when she heard loud screams of excitement from her tent; she landed down and heard even greater sounds of glee emanating from the crack in Eragon's tent. She looked about her before she entered, the legged, talking steaks were staring at her tent in confusion and in some cases, fits of giggling. She slowly entered her head into the gap and saw Eragon with his laptop on his knees as he shrieked again, after several more screeches of pure delight, he noticed her giant head staring at him- mimicking the expressions of those outside.

She asked, _What are you doing Little One? _

"Oh nothing, it's just Arya unblocked me from Facebook, she said they might let her out of jail soon! And finally Shurtugal **(Dot Com)** came back online!"

_Hmm, I always preferred Saphira forums..._

"Only because it had your name on it," he laughed, "besides Shurtugal has MY name on it! Isn't that great?" Saphira shot a small stream of fire at him that singed his trousers.

"ADURNA!" the tearful rider yelled, "What's your problem?"

As they argued about which fan-site was better Shurtugal underwent an update, after a further hour of arguing they eventually settled on mutual ground that Alagaesia**(DOT COM)**was _definitely_ _not_ the most frequently updated site on the internet _and that is something I think we can ALL agree on_. So as Eragon went back to his anonymous life of socialising unsociably, rejecting friend requests from Galbatorix and other servants of the Empire, he returned to Shurtugal to see something he thought would never happen...

"OMG! OMG! OMG!" He screamed at the height of his voice, causing even more awkward stares to be directed towards his tent. When the flap opened for the second time, standing there was all the main characters from the cycle except for Arya;

Nasuada started first, "Eragon we all care for you and only want what is best for you so believe Orik when he cuts me off-"

Orik continued "-that we came here today to finish each others' thoughts in a hypnotic fashion and to get you OFF OF THE INTERNET, because-"

"-Science has proven that excess amounts of computer can lead to damage in-"

"-Both brain damage and inability to kill evil kings," Said Oromis, cutting off Orrin.

"But you guuuys," Eragon said with a trace of longing in his voice, "Suvudu just made a fantasy book cage fight AND I'M IN IT!"

"Woah!" said the entire cast.

"I know, lets' look at who I'm fighting!" They all crowded around the computer monitor, so entranced were they that they completely missed the war horn going off that signalled a massive surprise attack that without immediate action could imminently destroy the entire Varden.

"This is so galvanising," Angela whispered, "Solembum, come look at this."

Solembum jumped up and looked at the screen and slowly his mouth dropped open, a look of amazement on his face and slowly, ever so slowly he said, "So... who are you fighting?"

"... I... am... fighting... Oh, come on... dammit, I thought I had pop up blocker on this thing, what... no I... ah damn it... no do not wait for program to reload... Do not send error report to Microsoft..." Suddenly the paperclip appeared.

"It looks like you are having trouble with this webpage, do you need some help?"

"**NO, GODDAM YOU PAPERCLIP!**" roared the entire group.

Finally after a few minutes of fuming Eragon opened up the webpage, "And, I am against... Aslan!" The Dragon Rider uttered the words with a breath of finality.

There was a collective breath from the crowd with mutterings like, 'do you think Eragon can defeat the great lion?' 'I heard Aslan rose from the dead.' 'Bah! He's just a lion, nothing more nothing less.' 'But they say Aslan is God himself...' 'Look where they put Eragon in levels in who they expect will win.' And so forth.

As Eragon clicked the link to the battle the group moved in closer, their breath held, their nerves wracked and their bets being taken in by Solembum who was somehow wearing a bookie cap.

"Taking all bets, taking all bets! _Aslan-The Great Lion_ vs. The Protagonist of this story- The Gary Stu: _Eragon Shadeslayer_!" A small crowd had gathered around the werecat holding up tickets and shouting: "_20,000 crowns against Eragon!" _projected Saphira as Nasuada elbowed Orrin in the face attempting to hand her ticket to the cat. Meanwhile Elva was biting ankles as she strode through the crowd attempting to hand in her ticket, ignoring the huge amount of pain that was coming from the western flank of the Varden as the surprise attack took its toll.

Soon when all the bets against Eragon had been placed and Eragon was feeling very depressed at his friend's lack of confidence in him, he followed through the link.

"Ok, let's see here... walking through a forest... I see Aslan... Aslan bars my way..." Eragon mumbled as he sped read through it as the rest did the same. Slowly his face contorted to one of horror, "Apparently I draw my sword and stab him! What! I wouldn't do that, I'm always avoiding violence unless necessary. And I continue down and there he is again! Uhh, he is part of a deeper magic, and... Wait. I have slain Shades, Elves and Dwarves! What! No I haven't! I killed some dwarves who attacked me and one shade! When did I kill an elf? And now I'm angry!" Eragon's brow turned down until it was almost vertical, "What! I attack him with fairths? That doesn't make sense! That's like saying I killed a man by taking his picture!"

As the entire audience cheered while they collected their winnings from a melancholic Solembum, Eragon turned to Saphira, "And where the hell were you?"

* * *

Well that's all I'm bothered to write. Next time Arya will be released from jail and the Mary sue will be back on the scene, hungry for my blood. Hopefully the Varden will still be up for fighting the Empire (Varden losses -25,000 Empire losses – 14 from that recent battle). And if you want to see that weird and stupid battle over at Suvudu, follow the link and your noses. See you next time!

Brom: Hey why wasn't I invited for this episode?

Artic: Because last time you set up a really unfunny remark- "But only for the rest of us!"

Brom: Damn. Wait, shouldn't you blame Saphira for that?

Artic: No. She is Awesome.

**(WWW)DOT**suvudu**DOT(Com)**2010**[Forward Slash]**03**[Forward Slash]**cage**[hyphen]**match**[hyphen]**2010**[hyphen]**round**[hyphen]**1**[hyphen]**3**[hyphen]**aslan**[hyphen]**versus**[hyphen]**30**[hyphen]**eragon**[dot]**html


	3. Did you take the cookie?

**Stories of Alagaesia**

**Today I have only one question for my Inheritance victims... who took the cookie from the cookie jar?**

**Chapter 3**

**Did you take the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?**

There were some things in life Nasuada could tolerate. She could live through hours of irritating war meetings, she could listen to the moaning of The Council of Elders, she would cut her own arms to shreds if it would gain support, she could let Arya borrow her clothes- Nasuada would even watch the Eragon movie if that was what it took to defeat Galbatorix.

But when someone takes a cookie from the cookie jar... it's go time.

There were no two ways about it, she would find who took cookie number four from the cookie jar and she would make them SUFFER. This was far more important than the Varden; this was a cookie from The cookie jar.

Chorus: Who took the cookie from the, cookie jar?

Chirping voice: Angela took the cookie from the, cookie jar.

Slowly, Nasuada crept up behind Angela, a knife held in her hand. When she was less than five paces from the witch she rushed up and placed the blade against the exposed flesh of her neck,

"Did you take the cookie from the cookie jar?" Nasuada asked in a creepy, deadly and violent tone.

"Who me?" Angela replied in a nonchalant manner as if she had known she was there all along. Then a group of voices chorused in the background:

"Yes you!"

"Couldn't be."

"Then who?" Nasuada recoiled in shock.

Chorus: Who took the cookie from the, cookie jar?

Chirping voice: Eragon took the cookie from the, cookie jar!

She had him in her sites now. She had invited the 'chosen one' to discuss future plans; little did he know she was planning to do something very evil.

Eragon walked through the tent flap; no-one was there so he assumed he would have to wait for her to get back. That was when she pounced-throwing a drugged dart that would subdue his powers and then pushing a bag over his head and tying his flailing arms to his sides with nylon rope!

Eragon woke six hours later in a damp room, a solitary light hung from the ceiling. It flickered every few seconds. Suddenly a mirror switched on- it must have been some sort of scrying spell.

"Ok Nasuada you've gone way too far this time."A touch of fear entered Eragon's voice.

"Don't worry Eragon, you'll be allowed to leave in due course. And if you answer my questions quickly then not a single hair on your head will be harmed!" She threw up her own head and cackled manically, "All I want to know is... Did you take the cookie from the cookie jar?"

"Who me?"

Instead of replying Nasuada stared at him like he was an idiot. Seeing this Eragon remembered what she said about answering the questions quickly and hastily finished:

"Couldn't be!"

Then she sighed and asked rhetorically, "Then who?"

Chorus: Who took the cookie from the, cookie jar?

Chirping voice: Arya took the cookie from the, cookie jar!

Damn Mary Sue, thought Nasuada as she left Eragon to rot in his cell, couldn't go and get her own damn cookies could she? No! She just had to take a cookie from _Nasuada's_ cookie jar. It was ridiculous, how was the leader of the Varden supposed to work diligently for the good of the nation if she **DIDN'T HAVE HER COOKIES!**

"**GO, GO, GO!**" screamed Nasuada as Arya walked between two trees on a long and stupid nature walk. Then to Arya's indignation, twelve pikemen ran out to surround her with their long, jabby sticks.

"What the non-existant hell is going on here Nasuada?" Arya asked with sheer contempt to who she had considered to be a friend.

"Oh nothing, nothing at all it's just that a little someone told me **YOU STOLE THE COOKIES FROM MY COOKIE JAR**!"

"Who? The chirping voice?

"Well, yes actually..."

"**TRAITOR!**" Screamed Arya as she pulled out a semi-automatic assault rifle and shot the chirping voice dead. "Well now you know Nasuada, now you know..."

Nasuada stared at her in disbelief. "For years I was shunned by my royal house," continued the cookie stealer, "due to my -_habit_- of stealing cookies... I lied to you all when I said that I chose to become an ambassador for the elves. Let me tell you, ferrying Saphira's egg around all those years made me very, very hungry. Hungry, for cookies."

Nasuada continued to stare at Arya with eyes the size of the cookies she had been trying to protect.

"But you had to keep asking questions didn't you? You just had to keep digging deeper for the cookies. I bet in your rush to find them you completely forgot about Eragon locked in that cell?"

Nasuada swore quietly as she realised she had.

"Even now I hunger for cookies... even now I read your men's minds and find that Pikeman Evans over there has a cookie in his back pocket and I hunger for it **Nasuada, HUNGER FOR IT!**" And with that she leapt to the terrified Pikeman Evan's neck and tore it out with her teeth, then scavenged his back pocket for the cookie. When she found it she sat down and began her gory feast.

"Ah, so delicious!"

Then Nasuada finally snapped and in a high pitched voice shrilled, "MEN! Deal with this creature of the abyss!"

And so those brave pikemen advanced upon Arya as Nasuada ran back to her pavilion, but no matter how fast she ran the screams of the dying men she had sent to deal with Arya- knowing full well they would die- still caught up to her. Each one more piercing than the last.

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**A/N**

**What do you guys and gals think? This was my first shot at a creepy humour fiction and I don't really know how well I did so if I could get _more reviews *wink wink* more reviewssssss *nudge nudge* _**

**Disclaimers: The cookie jar song belongs to that weird Barney show. Not me, and JigSaw belong to the Saw franchise... wait... why am I mentioning Saw?**

* * *

Two days had passed since Nasuada had left Eragon in his damp cell, cold, thirsty and in dire need of a bath. "Hello? Anyone out there? I'm kinda hungry... I'm kinda trying not to take a dump, it's rather painful. So if anyone could help me out that would be very much appreciated."

Suddenly the screen flickered on. Eragon looked up hoping to see the face of his rescuer.

His guess couldn't be further from the truth.

"Why don't we play a little game?" Asked Jigsaw.

Eragon's screams could be heard for miles around.


	4. USE MAGIC!

**Stories of Alagaesia**

**A/N: Today's chapter is sponsored by Steven's ham sandwiches, for that delicious ham taste, Steven's ham sandwiches.**

**And if you can't tell, this chapter is based on the movie Eragon, not the book.**

**Chapter 4**

**USE MAGIC!**

Brom was dying. Mortally wounded by a spear and really pissed off that no-one was even bothering to heal him.

"I'm sorry Brom," said Eragon in a monotone voice, "I'm too weak."

"You're damn right you are you little push over. I'm glad I never claimed you as my son, a right embarrassment you would've made."

"Wait, what?"

"Well what about you Arya? You're conscious in this poorly written take on the book, you can heal me." Brom asked, starting to sound desperate as he lost another gallon of blood.

"Sorry Brom. I'm supposed to be the dead-weight character at this point, if I start doing anything useful who knows what might happen?"

"I might survive, that's one thing."

"If only we could save you!" Arya chirped in quietly.

"Well actually you can," Said Brom in a lilting tone of voice, "all you have to do is USE MAGIC!"

"If only there was a way..."

"USE MAGIC!"

"If only..."

"USE MAGIC!"

"...there was a way..."

"Oh forget it!"

Eragon looked up from his deep and dark brooding, "I'm gonna bury you in sand!"

Brom rolled his eyes,"Yes that's very nice Eragon, have a cookie." He pulled out a cookie and threw it to Eragon. However it disappeared into thin air and crumbs appeared around Arya's mouth.

"Nom nom nom nom."

Then it was Brom's turn to think about the build up to his death, "Hey, wasn't I many days ride away from Gil'ead and then suddenly I jumped in front of that spear?"

"Yup," grinned Eragon.

"So how'd I...?" Brom's eyebrows furrowed then he gave up trying to work it out, "Hey, Saphira?"

_Yeeees?_

"Can I ride you before I die?"

_Eww, no. You'll get blood all over my lovely... beautiful... bluuuuuue scales!_

"Ah, come on Saphira, be nice," Eragon admonished.

_Fiine._

**One flight later**

"Aaaand, now I'm dead. Bleeeeh." Brom said and after twelve minutes of sobbing and whining and such looked up again, "Why in the seven hells of Pangranazine aren't I dead yet"

**I'll help.**

A lightning bolt struck Brom in the forehead, blood exploded everywhere.

"Oh yes! Very nice!" Eragon clapped, Arya cheered and Saphira started chewing on Brom's leg.

"Hmm, maybe we should bury him?" Eragon considered wistfully.

"Well it is the least we can do for the Father of The Varden I suppose."

_No. He's tasty._

"Shut up Saphira.

_Fiiine. Spoil sport._

**One funeral later.**

_Nose toooouch._

**One magical act later.**

"Sob, sob, sob, sob."

**One sob later.**

"Aaaaand, finished grieving. Nothing can take grieving away from you like learning... five... magic... words. DAMMIT HE NEVER TOLD ME THEM!"

"Woah, woah, woah Eragon. Calm down. He had it printed on his headstone, see." Arya pointed to Brom's tombstone.

"Yay! Goody!" Eragon tottered over to the stone and read aloud, "Eragon-you're-a-worthless-son."

_Lol_

_

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_

**A/N:**

**Okay, the main purpose of this was to get back into the swing of writing in normal form instead of script. I mean I've barely written in anything but script because of Hoo, Boy! Which is very, very, very close to being finished by the way, we're at 8000 words so we've done quite a lot and WE ARE at the sea. But I'm at my dojo, beating the –profanity excluded- out of Jump 5.**


	5. Eragon's Sobriety Problem

**Stories of Alagaesia**

**A/N: Warning. This one makes less sense than the ones before!**

* * *

**Eragon's sobriety problem**

"Hey Eragon," Arya smirked, "look what I filched from Wyrden's pack!" from the side pocket of her trousers she pulled a carved wooden flask, about the size of Eragon's hand.

"You took that from Wyrden's stuff?" Eragon asked, shocked, "But he _just_ died! I thought elves were supposed to be really respectful of... well, of everything!"

Arya snorted, "Nah, once they're dead it's finders-keepers. Seriously, I am breaking in to his house when I get back to Du Weldenvarden."

"Huh. Well I no longer feel safe around you."

"Speaking of which, I always liked that sword of yours..." She smiled at him, slowly drawing a dagger.

"So, uh, faelnirv?"

"Yes! Let's get blind stinking pissed!" screamed Arya, pulling three casks of moonshine from nowhere and shoving Eragon through the gap in his tent.

* * *

**Later in the night**

* * *

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" both the Shadeslayers chanted as Orik began to overinflate from the volume of magical elf booze he was quaffing.

Saphira roared drunkenly at the moon before toppling sideways and dropping her head on Orik's belly. Orik himself had already passed out from both the lack of oxygen and the strength of the elf moonshine. His mouth puckered up and a small stream carved an 'n' through the air.

"Wowza!" laughed Arya, "I told the dwarf he coul' coul' couldn't drink more 'an 'is 'ody 'eight!"

Eragon had changed into a wife beater vest and khaki pants, sprawled in a deck chair looking out over his tent's porch. He had developed a pot belly and under his armpits were greasy sweat stains.

"Now... Awya... be a good girl'n fetcsh me shome more fall'nirf," his head drooped down to the side and he vomited, not retchingly- it slid out of his mouth and down his shirt front, staining it an appealing orange green.

Somewhere in the distance a reed player struck up a tune.

"Ah shup up!" he shouted in that direction while warriors all around began to run towards it, "whatchs wid eve'yone?"

"Heey, 'ragon. Come'n look at this," Arya called out from inside the tent where she was poking Saphira's eyelid, "she doesn't even care! We should, we should perma mark her face!"

"Yeeah, thatsh a good idea, 'wya." Eragon giggled, picking up a pen, "now hold shtill big bwu."

"Eragon! Arya! Murtagh and Thorn have been spotted and-"

"Ah! Shu' uhp!" Eragon yelled back at the sentry who had climbed over Saphira's recumbent rear to poke his head through, "yer'll ruin everything!"

The poor man was taken aback, here before him was the daughter of the elven queen Islanzadi and the Dragon Rider who had promised to bring them the downfall of the Empire. He had just spent the last day and night on duty with no reprieves as they were so short handed after the battle, but these two had decided to get drunk with- was that, was that the dwarf king Orik?

"You sick, disgusting protagonists! Everyone in this war camp has been fighting and taking further shifts to, to _win_ this war and your- you're drinking without a care."

"No! Shush!" Eragon tried to explain as Arya burst into tears, "her friend jusht died and-"

"I saw my brother and my father get crushed by a wall at Belatona!" He yelled back, "and later I found out they weren't crushed by it- _your cousin _must have thought they were Empire soldiers or something! Because he killed them! But was I allowed a break? No!"

"Ah shut up..."

"No! You shut up!"

"Eragon! Eragon! Where are you hiding, Eragon?" came Murtagh's amplified voice from high above.

"Who'shat?" Eragon asked groggily, nearly collapsing against the Varden warrior in his shock.

"That's Murtagh you poor excuse for a protagonist! Now do excuse me while I go and fight against a ridiculously powerful foe and watch other people die around me because _you _fell off the wagon.

The soldier ran off screaming brave defiance but a wall fell on him and Roran ran up and caved his head in with a great crack. He stood atop his fallen prey, holding his hammer high and tried to roar imposingly, but his voice caught and it came out embarrassingly like a squeak.

Meanwhile Eragon had grabbed his pump action shotgun and his three Pitbull terriers on chain leashes in the same hand.

In his other he still held a bottle of beer.

"Ger' off o' my garsh darn land yer no good Dragon!" he yelled up at the giant, _magnificent_, red dragon who was busy trying not to laugh at the inebriated, trailer trash Eragon.

"Oh, yer think this is funny do you?" Eragon yelled back up at them, "well see how you like this! Sick 'em boys!" He let go of the metal restraints holding back the brawling hounds who were viciously biting each other and themselves in their canine fury. They ran towards Thorn and, when they realised he was a bit too high up in the air to jump at, started attacking themselves again. Within moments they were merely floating mouths and, now detached from their feral brains, achieved pure enlightenment.

Our brave redneck hero cursed the dogs and threw the bottle he had been holding. It spun end over end and shattered against the _glorious_ Thorn in all his _brilliance_.

Through all of this, Murtagh had been staring at Eragon in dumb silence, appalled to see the man he thought of as brother turned into... into... a hillbilly! He was about to start mocking him without providing any signs of development for his own character (figuring he could save all that for blatant fanservice towards the end) but he realised something. Something so horrifying that it did not have a name- but then, how could it? It seemed so ordinary yet was the worst possible feeling in the world.

His hands were kinda sticky.

Yes! For you see, when the half empty bottle of beer smashed against those _WONDERFUL_ scales that Thorn had- so _polished_ and _iridescent_- several drops made it to his hands. And now his hands were kinda sticky.

"No! What have you done to me?" He cried, in agony.

"It's over Murtagh! I fooled you into believing I was drunk; Arya, Orik and Saphira were in on it too... right guys?" he asked back into the tent where Arya was drawing offensive symbols all over Saphira's muzzle and Orik still resembled a fountain of ale.

"Ok, just me then."

"Curse you Eragon! But the next time we meet I shall wear gloves! And become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!"

Then time seemed to pause as they gazed longingly into the others eyes, the rest of the world forgotten as their soul searing stare continued and that same reed piper played an even more haunting melody than before.

"I love you Eragon," whispered Murtagh, and somehow they were able to hear each other.

"I love you too, Slash fanfiction version of Murtagh," Eragon whispered back.

"Oh, btw, totally nabbing Nasuada. Sucka!" Murtagh lolled.

"Noooooooo!" Screamed Eragon, falling to the floor and refusing to do anything as Murtagh did in fact 'nab' Nasuada who cursed Arya with all the fury she had.

Then Saphira woke up, let out a short burst of fire which ignited the stream coming from Orik, travelled inside of him and exploded killing them all.

Like, all of them.

Eragon, Saphira, Arya.

Murtagh, Thorn and Nasuada.

Galbatorix.

Alagaesia.

The whole planet.

You.

Me.

Everyone.

He drank a lot of ale.

* * *

**A/N: So I've been meaning to write a new chapter for this for *checks watch* years. Call me the least punctual author on this site because that's what I am. But this summer everything changes! **

**I've written three chapters for two stories in the last two days and I plan to write 3000 words a day for the majority of this summer holiday. So that's fun.**

**Also, about this chapter I just wanted to make an even less likely Story of Alagaesia, so I made the cast of Eragon trailer trash, emphasised the descriptions of Thorn's scales and mocked all slash fiction. Does that make sense? Also, I know it's very short but it was just a plot bunny so... leads nowhere and is a tragedy on paper.**


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